The Boundaries Toolkit
Saying no, protecting your capacity, and stepping out of the people-pleasing cycle. A boundaries workbook written by a Counselling Psychologist in York.
content and exercises
work, family and messages
and your capacity map
the skill gradually
A workbook, not
a book
This is a boundaries workbook built to be written in, and the writing is where most of the change happens. Reading it through gives you the ideas. Working through it slowly gives you the shift.
What people-pleasing actually is
Why it is a strategy for managing anxiety rather than simply being too nice, and the difference between chosen kindness and accommodation you cannot decline.
Where the pattern comes from
Early learning, social reward, and the avoidance loop that keeps the fear intact. Plus the unexamined rules sitting underneath it.
Your people-pleasing audit
A scored twelve-item self-assessment with interpretation bands, so you can see which areas of your life the pattern is concentrated in.
The cost: people-pleasing and burnout
How losing the ability to decline removes any control over what you carry, and the six-stage cycle that follows.
Your capacity map
A structured audit of what you are actually carrying in a typical week, including the invisible work, and who decided each commitment.
What a boundary actually is
The difference between a boundary and a demand, why that distinction decides whether it holds, and the four things a workable boundary has.
Knowing what you are protecting
A values exercise drawn from acceptance and commitment therapy, because saying no is far easier when it is in service of something specific.
The anatomy of a clear no
A four-part structure drawn from assertiveness training and DBT interpersonal effectiveness, with the two habits that undermine it.
Scripts for real situations
Wording you can borrow for work, family, friends and messages, for the moments when anxiety narrows your thinking and the familiar yes arrives first.
When guilt arrives afterwards
Why guilt after a reasonable no is not moral information, how to tell it apart from remorse, and a record sheet for testing what actually happens.
When someone pushes back
The broken record technique, how to handle the six most common responses, and why persistence usually means the boundary is working.
Your seven-day practice plan
A graded plan starting with situations that barely matter, plus a review page to re-score yourself after a month.
Not another reminder
to set boundaries.
Most advice on setting boundaries assumes the problem is a shortage of good intentions. It rarely is. What is usually missing is the skill: knowing what to say, expecting the discomfort that follows, and having somewhere to put the guilt when it arrives.
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✦
Evidence-based throughout, drawing on assertiveness training, dialectical behaviour therapy, compassion-focused approaches and acceptance and commitment therapy.
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✍
Fillable and printable, designed to be completed rather than read. Your audit, your capacity map, your words.
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✧
Not about caring less. The aim is to move accommodation from automatic to chosen, so your generosity costs what you are willing to pay.
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→
Graded and realistic. It starts with situations that barely matter, because beginning with the hardest relationship in your life is how this usually goes wrong.
A boundary is a statement about what you will do. It is not an instruction about what another person must do.
From the Boundaries Toolkit, Sennah Psychology
This workbook is for you if…
You agree to things and regret it almost immediately
You are tired in a way that rest does not seem to fix
Declining feels dangerous rather than merely awkward
You want wording you can use, not just an explanation
A full page on
the four-part no
Assertive communication is a learnable skill with a well-established evidence base, sitting between passive accommodation on one side and aggression on the other. The workbook breaks a clear no into four parts, each with worked examples.
Three sentences is usually enough: warm, clear, finished
Drawn from assertiveness training and DBT interpersonal effectiveness
Includes the two habits that quietly undo a no
Acknowledge
Show you have heard the request. One sentence is plenty.
Decline clearly
Use the actual words. Ambiguity invites a second attempt.
One brief reason
Or none. A paragraph of justification reads as seeking permission.
An alternative, if you mean it
Optional, and easily overused. Only offer what is true.
Ready to make your
yes mean something?
Download the full 16-page workbook and start with something small enough that it barely matters. That is where the skill is built.
One-off payment · yours to keep · no subscription
- 16-page professionally designed PDF
- Evidence-based: assertiveness training, DBT, CFT and ACT
- Scored people-pleasing audit and capacity map
- Scripts for work, family, friends and messages
- Seven-day practice plan and review page
- Instant download, print at home or complete on screen
Instant digital download · PDF format · For personal use
Already exhausted rather than heading that way? The Burnout Recovery Workbook covers recovery, and the two are designed to work alongside each other.
Written by Dr Lucy Rymer
HCPC-Registered Counselling Psychologist and BPS Chartered Psychologist, based in York. Lucy works with adults experiencing anxiety, trauma, burnout and difficulties with emotion regulation, drawing on a range of evidence-based models including cognitive behavioural and person-centred approaches.
This workbook is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individual psychological assessment or therapy. If you are struggling, please speak to your GP or a registered mental health professional. If you are in crisis, contact Samaritans on 116 123.